So apparently grieving is a strange process. One moment I’m good, the next moment I feel nauseous, the next moment I’m laughing, and every night when I lay in bed (much too late) to go to sleep – I inevitably start to cry.
But in general grieving is one thing for sure – exhausting.
I keep expecting to magically feel better (I’m really over feeling bad at this point. Can’t I just flip a switch and feel better?), but then I remember it hasn’t even been one week since I last saw Phoenix. When in my mind, it feels more like I haven’t seen her in years. (Why is that?)
The whole thing is strange. And it is wearing me out – mostly because I didn’t expect it, I think. I’d never had a dog before, or any animal that I loved like it was a human being for that matter (parakeets & hamsters just aren’t the same) – so this entire process has taken me by surprise. Being THIS sad, for THIS long… I did not prepare myself for. In my mind, I feel like it’s not rational, and that I should just be able to get over it. (Obviously, that is not the case.)
And silly me, rather than giving myself time to allow myself to be sad and grieve, I’ve rushed myself back into life (a very busy life, at that). And it all came crashing down on me Monday night in a fit of insanity. (Haha… no seriously… ask James. I was so crabby and irrational and sad all at the same time… not a pretty combo.)
Then I realized – I. Need. Sleep.
I need sleep like nobody’s business. When Phoenix was sick we were waking up all night long with her, and worrying all day long – so there hasn’t been much good sleep around our house in quite a while. So tonight (don’t get confused, I write my blogs the night before I post them usually) I’m going to sleep before 8:30pm if I can help it – because the rest of the week allows me no down time, so I figure I should take it while I can get it. Just this once. Let myself stop go-go-going and sleep.
And I can’t wait. (Especially because I’m actually nearly asleep while writing this… and well, it’s about 7:30pm. HA! Wow Christy.)
But first, I must leave you with a photo of Phoenix that always makes me smile… 🙂