I desperately miss having time to write. I desperately miss sharing more of our REAL lives on this blog when things get busy this time of year. I miss having the time to really digest my feelings… to think about what is going on in this crazy brain of mine and write it down here to help me sort it out.
I’ve had SO many feelings these past few months. SO. MANY.
I really don’t even know where to start. Every day in the shower I write blog posts in my head. I start to try to formulate what exactly it is I want to share… but I never have the time to sit down and actually get it out.
In just under a week I turn 33.
I know to some people reading this – I’m just a baaaaaby.
To others – you maybe surprised I’m that old! (I know I’m often surprised when reading photographers’ blogs at how YOUNG they are!! Who the heck has life figured out and is running a super successful business at 21?! Apparently quite a few people, much to my dismay! haha)
But I digress.
Every year as my birthday nears, I have so. many. thoughts. Thoughts on life… On how far I’ve come and where I’d still like to go. Thoughts on things that have surprised me, and things that scare me. I feel overly emotional and hyper-aware most of the time.
And it is kind of exhausting, if I’m being honest. haha.
I’m still sorting out what exactly I’m feeling, and what it is I want to say to you all. What I want to share.
I do know that we were so busy with work in June and July that I didn’t have a lot of time to digest our news in early June. I pushed everything I was feeling to the back burner (without really realizing it at the time), convinced myself I was A-OK, and charged on forward… into meetings, sessions, weddings, and the busy-ness of work. So when our summer break came in mid-August and I had time to pause (and realize my birthday was just around the corner) – I had a moment that felt like it came out of nowhere. (Really I should have seen it coming. You can only suppress feelings for so long… yes?)
At the time I posted it because I wanted people to know that while we are all so busy always posting the good about our lives… travels, happy pictures, glasses toasting, adorable puppies… there is real life happening in the background. Nobody is perfect. Nobody is invincible. And we all have our moments. It doesn’t make us ‘less than’. It makes us HUMAN.
It is these moments of vulnerability and realness that connect us to others. Through our pain, and our difficulties – we are brought closer together.
At the time I posted that photo and spilled my heart out to who knows who out in internet land – I did it so I would remember the way I was feeling when I looked back someday in the far off future, and also did it to help others know they are not alone in their moments of struggle either.
I’m not going to lie – when I looked at the photo the next day I contemplated deleting it. (You know how you get a good night’s sleep and nothing seems as dramatic the next day? Yeah… that.) I looked at my puffy eyes, the pixelated photo (stupid bad camera on the other side of the phone), read my words… and I wanted to erase it. I wanted to pretend I was 100% okay and move on. Brush it under the rug. I wanted to put up a prettier picture of myself. Instagram my breakfast and the sunny day outside. I wanted to carefully curate my life for you all to see…
But something told me not to.
Because life is about the ebbs and the flows… the highs and the lows. Each thing we go through, each disappointment we face – that is what makes us stronger. We become more empathetic, more aware, less judgmental, and more forgiving. Each trial teaches us more than we would ever learn about ourselves if everything went how we planned it to go. Some of the most amazing, complex, and wonderful people I know are those that have been through the most in life – and that came out the other side still standing. And not just standing… but really living.
Feeling, laughing, loving, embracing. All of it.
It is these people that remind me that I don’t need to curate my life to please or appease those around me. I just need to live it to the best of my ability. Feeling each high and understanding that each low is just helping me become a better version of myself.
Here’s to living a life less curated. Here’s to vulnerability. Here’s to really connecting with those around us. xoxo.