Well you guys… I’m not really sure where to start…?
For those of you that follow me on Instagram, Twitter, or Facebook… you most likely saw my post on Friday letting you all know that we found out that I was not pregnant and that our 2nd round of IUI had not been successful.
I’m not going to sugar coat it – it was a tough day. Even before we got the news, James and I were battling a lot (as we have been off and on throughout the last month, if I’m being honest). We both are dealing with this situation in our own ways, and on the day I get the blood work done (and wait for what feels like forever for the call with the results) we are especially on edge.
This month it appears James and I traded places. He somehow became the romantic, and I became the realist (unlike last month). He was suggesting baby names throughout our two week wait for the results, while I encouraged him to slow down a bit and not get ahead of ourselves. Meanwhile, this month I convinced myself it wasn’t happening (maybe in hopes that it would ease the blow if I was right).
So when I ended up behind this car on the way to get my blood work done on Friday… it punched me right in the gut.
I realized that I had stopped hoping for a miracle, and most definitely was not expecting a miracle. I couldn’t help but cry when I saw this stupid little bumper sticker on the back of this random car. I had been holding it together all month… and in that moment it hit me that just because I was pretending I was tough and that I didn’t care or expect anything… I actually did.
Anyway, thankfully we didn’t have to wait quite as long this time, because we got the phone call shortly after 3pm (instead of just before 6pm, like last time). James was in the shower and I had just gotten home from a walk with Chloe. My nurse didn’t beat around the bush this time either – she just got straight to it and told me I wasn’t pregnant. Sadly, I wasn’t really surprised… I hadn’t felt any different and on top of everything I had been really sick the last month battling some evil super-version of bronchitis. I told James through the bathroom door (because he had locked it while I was out on my walk), and asked him if I could come in. He said, “no,” so I walked into the office and sat on the bed for a second. A few moments later I heard the door unlock as James said from inside, “You can come in.”
We didn’t really say much… just looked at each other and processed the news. I felt the weight of sadness and disappointment heavy in the room, like the steam in the air, thick from the hot shower. There really was nothing to say.
As much as I didn’t expect anything this month – it was still incredibly hard to swallow – because I knew we’d have to take a break for a bit after this month. I knew this meant no baby next winter during off-season. I knew this meant that we’d have to figure out our next steps – which we hadn’t let ourselves think about until now.
It was strange, because somehow this month hurt more, even though I had my hopes up less. I could sense us going through the stages of loss – as if this baby we had imagined was already here and was now taken away from us. I was in denial, I was angry, I was sad… I was a lot of things (and still am). James and I tried to make light of it by going out to lunch on a sunny patio. We shared some Lagunitas and blood marys. We ate too many seasoned fries, and joked about stealing all the kids that were there with their families enjoying the patio as well. (I know, probably dark humor, but we laughed and felt better, so whatever.) We were both a bit bitter and angry at the world… so we probably made way too many inappropriate jokes to get ourselves through that afternoon.
And now we try to figure out our next steps. It is all so confusing balancing all of this with being open and sharing with you guys (which is really hard sometimes, I’m not going to lie), and also managing a business on top of this. We’ve had a few clients ask us how long we are going to try, and what happens if we get pregnant and are due during their wedding month? These are things I hadn’t really thought of occurring to people because we hadn’t planned to try for a baby during months when we had wedding contracts in place 9 months later. We have only ever tried to get pregnant when we knew we had no weddings scheduled (i.e. off-season). Being that this is our sole income, it wouldn’t be in our best interest to have a baby in the middle of wedding season – because we could lose potential clients and I can only imagine how difficult it would be to balance everything around a due date, not to mention we have bills to pay, people!! And when a majority of your income for the entire year comes in 7-months, you want to be able to really WORK all 7 of those months!!
Anyway, I guess all this rambling is to say that we are taking a break from the fertility stuff for a bit. It is a tough decision, because we really would love to just push forward and keep trying – but I just couldn’t do it with a good conscious – knowing clients have booked us and put their trust in us to be with them on their wedding days next March and April.
On top of that, James and I would just like to get back to “us” for a bit. Things have been rough lately. This process takes its toll on you both emotionally, for obvious reasons. There are constant doctor appointments and monitoring, and it all just pretty much takes over your life for a while. And maybe this is way TMI, but it takes a toll on your intimacy too. You get doctors’ orders about abstaining, and doctors’ orders about when you should “do your homework” (as our nurse likes to call it). All in all, intimacy is rare, and when it is allowed by the doctor – it feels forced because you’re told exactly when to do it. (So fun!) Whenever I talk to people about this they are surprised, which I find interesting, I guess? Apparently everybody is under the impression the doctors would just want you to go at it all month – but that is far from what happens. Anyway, sorry if that is TMI for you all – but I’m just keeping it real and letting you all know about what this process really is like.
So for a few months James and I would just like to feel normal again. We’d like to go on date nights, and plan trips without everything being determined by appointments and when we need to be in town. We’d like to relax and just take a bit to focus on us and our marriage. We’d like to appreciate what we have and regroup before we start the process up again. And after a lot of thinking and talking… we decided that since we are still just starting to book up for the 2015 wedding season – if we see any gaps in the year or don’t have weddings booked for 9 months out – then those months we will head back to the doctor. We just can’t stomach the thought of waiting another entire year to go through this process only to have it not work again.
The clock is ticking as my 33rd birthday is fast approaching, and James’ 36th just came and went. We can’t be waiting around for exactly the right time during off-season, so instead we will do our best to work around what we currently have booked. I’ve realized that for so long we’ve always put our business first… before trying to build our family – and this way we can hopefully do a little of both. We won’t have to go back on anyone who has booked us, but we also are free to continue the process if we have nothing booked for 9-months out.
So that’s the plan for now… a little break to regroup and get back to us, and then when the timing is right with next year’s wedding season – we will try again. The doctor wants to add Clomid to the mix for our next IUI, which would make me produce more than 1 egg in a month so that we have more ‘targets’ to hit and hopefully will be more likely to have one will work.
In the meantime, while we take a little break to enjoy our summer with family & friends, we want to thank you all for your support through all of this. xoxo
