Watching the Oscars with James on Sunday night had me crying so many happy tears! Oh my gosh – those speeches… people reaching their dreams… recognizing those who have come before them to pave the way… telling others their dreams are valid no matter where they come from… Just. Tears.
All of it got me thinking about crying happy tears.
Prior to having it happen to me, I never really understood the concept of crying because you were happy. I was never that overwhelmed with positive emotions that I felt the need to cry. (Don’t get me wrong, I was happy and positive growing up… just not the crying because you’re happy type.)
You know how it is… when you’re a kid, everything is dramatic and seemingly everything warrants tears. (At least it did for me. Maybe I was just extra sensitive & emotional – who knows! But I remember dramatically throwing myself onto my childhood bed and sobbing into my pillow more times than I can count. haha.)
I remember crying because I was fighting with my older brother over a pen once. (To be fair: he was trying to drive me crazy, as only brothers are SO good at doing… and clearly it worked.) I remember crying over boys and heart ache (way too much). I remember crying over friends betraying me. I remember crying because I had to say goodbye, because I hurt myself, and for various other reasons… but never because I was overwhelmed with joy.
That is until I met James.
I remember it very distinctly. I was 25 years old. James and I met at a party on March 31, 2007 and had been hanging out ever since. We officially started dating as of early May, and in late June we took a trip to Wisconsin to get away from the city. On our way home we stopped in Madison, where he met my sister and her family.
When we got back I decided to write him a letter. I was at the desk in my tiny bedroom of the 3-flat I used to live in on Wilton Avenue. I remember I was writing the note on Winnie the Pooh stationary because it was all I could find to write on. (What 25-year-old has Winnie the Pooh paper?! Me, apparently.)
I started to tell him all the things I’d been thinking, and how happy I was… and the tears started to flow. I remember that it was such a new experience to me that I actually stopped what I was doing because I couldn’t fully understand what was happening. I had never cried because I was so OVERWHELMINGLY HAPPY. This was very new to me, and it caught me off guard.
Thinking back on this yesterday, I asked James if he still had the letters I’d given him. I wanted to make sure my memory wasn’t failing me. Of course he kept them, and after digging through his safe he found a letter … sure enough… on Winnie the Pooh paper, and I knew that was the one.
I reread it to him in the kitchen and all those memories came flooding back to me. It was absolutely insane to read this letter I had written 7 years ago, after only knowing James for not even 3 months. It was as if I had looked into my own future and predicted what may come to be.
I didn’t plan on sharing the letter here, but after finding it and reading it – I couldn’t help but share. Forgive me (or stop reading) if you’re not into this mushy stuff – but this kind of blew my mind (and simultaneously makes me think we are totally crazy… I can’t believe how fast and hard we fell for each other)!
“Hey baby,
This was the only stationary I had, so I hope you like Winnie the Pooh! 😉 (<– that’s supposed to be a wink!) Anyway, on to the real reason I wrote… I know you are better at speaking your feelings out loud than I am – so I thought I would write you so you know where I am at & how I am feeling.
First of all, our mini-vacation this week was amazing and an even further testament to how great we are together. Being away from the city and having you meet my sister & her family in Madison really made me realize even more that I can see those things for us in the future. I don’t want to jump the gun or say too much (but we kind of have been doing that this entire relationship because it is not like a “normal” relationship!)… but when we were at the lake – I could picture us there again someday with kids in tow. Is that crazy? But I can. I see it all the time & it seems so vivid it scares me.
I sit and think that because of all of yours and my bad past experiences we are where we are now. What if that all happened just as stepping stones on the way to “us”…? What else aside from a divorce would have gotten you to move to Chicago? I put up with what I did all those years because I was meant to go to school here and meet Jess, and in turn – meet you. I don’t regret anything I put up with because it all led me to you.
You have made me believe in the dreams I had as a little girl again… of having someone who loves me for me and who I love with all my heart in return. I’m tearing up just thinking of how lucky I feel to have met you. Not everybody gets to experience this kind of love, and I thank God every day that I have this in my life. If my gut is right – I can see this going for years & years. You are amazing and being near you makes me want to be a better person… and that is something I don’t ever want to lose.
Hopefully this made you smile & reinforced your feelings and didn’t scare you away! 🙂
I truly love you with all of my heart and all of my soul…
Yours for as long as you’ll keep me,
🙂 Christy <3″
This must have been so crazy to write when we barely knew each other! But in retrospect, it all makes so much sense…
Here’s to being unabashedly open, and as a result finding your own happy tears. xoxo
