I didn’t realize what a calming presence Phoenix was in our home until she was gone. And now, I can’t help but think I’ve gone a bit crazy since she passed away… like a little bit of my sanity left along with her. Some days I feel okay, but then other days I feel like I just can’t quite get my bearings – like my world’s axis is off a bit.
When she passed away, a handful of our dear friends sent us cards and one of them especially hit home with James and I.
It said: “We love our pets because they are somehow like ourselves, only with more innocence and trust.” (Thank you Dani & Matt!)
When James and I read the card, it really hit home… because it is so true. Phoenix was so much like James and I. She had my weird daily routine quirks, and James’ over-protectiveness. She had my openness to new people, and James’ love for staying home with those she loved & just relaxing. Phoenix was the both of us wrapped up into one adorable dog, but with more innocence & trust. And I miss that. I really miss that.
I’m convinced that having her around made me a better person. I didn’t want to upset her, or do anything that would scare her, or throw her off (because she was already skittish about yelling/aggressive behaviors because of things we can only guess happened to her before the pound). She was so sweet, gentle, calm, and kind – that it made me want to be more of those things. But since she passed away – I feel like I’m a little less (or a lot less) of all of the above. I feel off kilter and worry that if she were still here now, my behavior would upset her. So from now on I’m going to do my best to act as though she is still with us. To act as though what I do still affects her, and hopefully I can get back to being the version of myself I was when she was with us. Because I miss that. I miss who I was when she was here. And her… well, I just really miss her.