Hello, loves. Last time I checked in to let you guys know that our first beta pregnancy test came in at 819 for my hCG levels and I was scared out of my mind for our second beta test, since that was when we got our heartbreaking news last time around.
I’m SO happy to tell you guys that last Monday we got my blood work results back and I found out that my hCG had jumped to 2307 and my progesterone levels had increased to 25.1!! I was SO overjoyed – I could not help but cry and cry and cry! Oh my gosh – I was so incredibly scared, but trying my best to be brave going into that test and was so incredibly relieved that we got good news!!
They want to see hCG levels over 2000 before you can go in for your first ultrasound to see how many sacs there are (i.e. babies) – and since we were already at that point – they had us schedule our first ultrasound for two days later (last week Wednesday). If you follow me on Instagram or Facebook you probably already know this – but we went in for our ultrasound and found out that BOTH Little Buddies were still kickin’ it in there!! We are officially having twins!!
We were again SO thankful, humbled, and grateful for all of this. I can’t believe this is real life and am simultaneously SO happy and SO scared that the other shoe is going to drop. Most days I feel calm and relaxed… hopeful and trusting that all is okay. Then there are other times I struggle with it all. I worry – I doubt – I stress… and that really came to a head yesterday when I found that I was spotting. Needless to say – I totally freaked out. I tried so hard to remain calm, since people have told me this can be normal – but I had all the symptoms of my period (severe cramping, back pain, and more) along with spotting and I was SCARED out of my mind. I couldn’t help but cry and just kept saying, “Please, God, let them be okay. Please, God, let them be okay…”
I called our nurse and left a voicemail and then called James to tell him what was going on. I didn’t even have to ask – he knew to drop everything and come home immediately. After waiting for an hour to get a call back… dreaming up all the awful possibilities and crying on the couch – I finally called my nurse again and got a hold of her this time. She told me to relax and that this is totally normal at this stage of pregnancy, especially with twins – because your uterus is expanding and making room for the Little Buddies. I know I should have felt better with her reassurance, but I didn’t. I’m still so nervous for our ultrasound on Wednesday and just praying praying praying that we see two strong little heartbeats. (And that the spotting stops, pleaseandthankyou.)
I know this is out of my hands and I know I must just be calm and trust in something greater. I am doing my very best… I am. I am reminding myself to let go of the fear and embrace each day. I’m trying to remember that no amount of worry today will ease tomorrow’s pain. It will only sap today of its joy.
I’m reminding myself of that over and over. I’m embracing being a pregnant mama of twins – right now. I’m listening to and nourishing my body. I’m singing ridiculous songs to the Little Buddies that I made up for them. 🙂 I’m dreaming of a life that I stopped letting myself dream of for the past few years. And I’m even occasionally dreaming of what we may name them. But more than anything – I’m taking it day by day. One milestone at a time. Thankful for each step further we make it, hopeful to make it all the way. xoxo