Do you ever notice how as you go through your life, depending where you are at that moment – what you’re longing for and hoping for – determines what you see? Not necessarily what you SEE, but what you NOTICE… what you take in…
I remember when I was single I used to watch couples. I’d notice the way they interacted, how they looked at each other, how they held hands, and the small gestures they did to show they cared.
Then when I was dating James & realized I wanted to marry this guy – I started to notice engagement rings. They were EVERYWHERE. Every girl that got on the train or bus had a giant ring, and all of them looked 5 years younger than me. How were they engaged already?! It’s all I saw until we got engaged…. I swear. haha.
And then we got married and started trying for kids and as the months ticked by it started…. suddenly all I saw everywhere was BABIES. Baby bumps, little tiny babies, toddlers… you name it – they were coming at me like a magnet. At Target, at the coffee shop, on the bus… baby bumps and babies were everywhere. I wanted so badly to be pregnant that it was all. I. saw.
I find this really interesting – how when we feel this way … when we long for something so badly – that becomes all we see. Instead of looking right next to us or inside of ourselves at what we HAVE – we look outward. We long. We yearn. We ache for what we don’t have.
We notice things and relationships around us that we may not have noticed before. And it’s funny, because in this whole process with trying for kids – I’ve always wanted to be a mom (I mean, I’ve wanted that since I was like 5 years old… haha), but even more than that as the months and years went by – I wanted for James to be a dad.
And lately because of that yearning to see that fulfilled for James – I started to notice people’s relationships with their dads. At weddings, at family sessions… at the grocery store… everywhere. And I’ve noticed it has influenced my photography as well. I’m photographing these relationships from a different perspective than I was a few years ago. I’m projecting what I’m yearning for on others. When I see dads interacting with their sons and daughters (especially daughters)… I see James with our future children.
And I find it interesting that I do that. I’m guessing I’m not the only one projecting? (I just have a much more noticeable way of realizing it – since I’m often documenting the moments I’m watching.)
I guess it’s because I realized how beautiful this relationship can be, and I’m brought to tears SO often witnessing it around me. Not tears of sorrow or yearning though… but instead tears of happiness.
I cry happy tears for them, because I think it is such a beautiful thing and I want the people in my photos to see that. I want them to know they are loved, and to remember that feeling always.
