I feel like I’ve been rather quiet on here as of late. When you click on the “personal” category (that used to be filled with silly/funny/random tidbits about my life) — all that comes up are sad posts about Phoenix for the most part. When I realized that, I kind of stopped writing… because I figured people can only listen to it for so long before they tune out. One thing I feel like I’ve learned through this process is that people have an expiration date on how long they want to hear about you being sad. After a while they just expect you to move on and be happy.
It’s not that I’m sad all the time. I have good days, and I have bad days. I laugh, I joke, I enjoy myself, and I dance like a crazy person at weddings. But when it comes to writing… when it comes to sitting down at my computer and saying something – all that comes to mind is Phoenix. (Really, when I’m home in general, all that comes to mind is Phoenix – because she is everywhere in this apartment.)
It’s strange how consumed your brain is with someone after they’re gone. I guess that’s why musicians going through break-ups write an entire album about the break-up. (Thank you very much Adele! Your misery made for some of my favorite music!) But reading about someone’s misery is different than listening to a kick-a** song about it. (In my opinion anyway.) So I fear if I write too much more about it – people will just stop reading and move on to a happier, funnier, more upbeat blog.
Anyway – I guess I’m just explaining where I’ve been. Some of you have figured it out. Some of you have written me emails to check on me when I go to bed at 8/9pm (because you know that is far from normal for me), and we’ve got quite a few cards in the mail (thank you lovely people, you are too sweet). So I know you guys get it. And I know that this urge I have to remain silent is somewhat crazy … because as James pointed out, nobody has stopped me from talking about it… I just get the feeling people don’t want to hear it anymore (which is maybe just my mind spinning ’round & ’round talking crazy talk to myself). But I felt like I owed you guys an explanation for now. And eventually I owe you some other stories too – some happy stories… some goofy stories… something to make you grin. And someday (hopefully soon) I’ll have something like that to share again. In the meantime, the happy photos of my beautiful clients can fill that space on my blog (I think).
Because, although for some reason it feels like a year since I last saw Phoenix, it really was only 2 short weeks ago. So I need to remember and accept that this process takes time. And that it’s okay to have ‘days’ now and then. And that for all those ‘days’… I’ll also have lots of good times, new memories, and positive things going on in my life. And I promise I’ll share those things again soon. Just as soon as I can get myself to sit down and feel okay writing those stories.
And in the meantime I have this to share…
The other day I was reminded by my brother how many ridiculous things Phoenix allowed me to dress her in. (She really did.) Nobody ever understood how on earth she put up with me dressing her, and even helped me get her into the clothes (which was usually my own). She’d lift one paw, and then the other, and sit nice and still as I tied everything on her so she wouldn’t trip when she walked. But she did it. Every time. For me. I guess she really loved me…. I figure she had to if she let me dress her like this!
(Excuse all the snappy-happy pics… some of these are from before I constantly carried my big camera around.)
I hope you all have a lovely weekend!! Go hug somebody you love! 🙂